Sometime after TLC cancelled Honey Boo Boo
by Jennifer Clark
Pumpkin is getting ready for prom
when Uncle Billy visits, then disappears.
Honey Boo Boo and her half sisters
Pumpkin, Chubbs, and Chicadee
worry where he might or might not be.
Everyone eventually flees, goes into hiding, or off the air.
Former fans suggest searching folds of Mama June’s three chins.
Sugar Bear and Mama June, whose marriage may or may not be dissolving,
file a missing person’s report.
From a safe distance
we gaze at our genetic past,
at hunter-gatherer ancestors
who’ve slipped through time
to slouch on overstuffed sofas.
Fascinated and fearful, we
peer into a mirror, see those
with less reproductive success
make bad decisions, a soft-bodied
clan who fart and belch and scratch.
Our evolutionary past causes us to shudder.
Mama June, surrounded by stacks of Pop-Tarts and other household staples,
takes breaks from extreme couponing—which she says is better than sex—
to plow Honey Boo Boo with Go Go Juice, a kind of Pageant Crack,
made from Red Bull and Mountain Dew so her six-year-old will sparkle
for the judges.
Uncle Poodle and Alan want custody of Honey Boo Boo
when Mama June rekindles a romance with a man who spent
ten years in prison for molesting an eight-year-old Chickadee.
When this information finds its way to the public, The Learning Channel
cuts Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, states, “Supporting the health
and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority.”
Days later, Uncle Billy texts
that he is okay, he just needs
some space. We all do.
Honey Boo Boo wishes she had six fingers on each hand
so she could eat more Cheetos, but she just isn’t evolving
quickly enough. Everyone is not watching.